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Save me from relationship hell...  
04:06pm 29/04/2008
 
 
_adderall_
I'm sick of this one way relationship I'm leading with Neil.  He and I are suppose to be equals.  I'm the one running my gas out to see him.  I'm the one spending like 50 bux on dinners.  It's all bullshit and I'm so sick of it.  And when i complain about the littlest things he throws the mistake I made in the past with Robz in my face.  Doesn't he realize if he had given me the attention I crave then I wouldn't need to seek it out anywhere else?  

That's not all tho.  I'm crushing on someone.  Really really crushing on them and not sure where to go from here with it.  I've brought it to their attention and it seems it might be mutual.  I am not so sure yet.  I'm kind of apprehensive.  I don't want to start into something and this thing with Neil blow up in my face.  *sigh*

I just can't shake all the disappointment I've had in my past.  I can't be alone.  It's just too hard for me right now.  Seriously, if I walk away from Neil I'll have no one.  Beth, my best buddy o' pal made sure of that.  it's just not fucking fair, honestly.  Here is goes!  I better stop myself before i trip...

I need to just do something to take my mind off things!

<3 kimi 
Where I'm hiding: work
Am I crying? crankycranky
 
    Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
Wow! Time has gone by!  
12:43pm 22/04/2008
 
 
_adderall_
It has been way to long since I last updated.  I dont think anyone on my friends will read this but I'm posting b/c honestly, I've miss LJ.  Myspace blogs are cool and all but I am more able to spill my heart out right here!

Things have gone crazy in my life.  I've lost alot of things that never should have been put in jeopardy to begin with.  I've learned that Beth, who I thought was a best friend was nothing more than a lying sack of shit.  I've also gained a couple true soliders.  

First off, Neil is the love of my life at this moment in time.  I'm hoping for it to last longer than it already has.  We've been on and off for about a year and 5 months now.  More off than on this past 6 to 8 months.  I love him deeply tho.  He's one of the few out there that accepts me for the real me and will love me regardless of my flaws.  He's tolerated more than he should and it's a sign that we will stand together for longer than I have with others in the past.  But dont let me make him out to be some perfect man, he too has his flaws.  We are working thru things.  All I ask for is a lil of his attention.

Work is just that.  I enjoy the job I have and am working hard at it.   This is the longest I've ever stayed at a job and it's been over a year.  I've struggled to stay here and I'm hoping to continue in my position.  I'm fighting them tooth and nail.  Not so sure it's the doctors so much any more but it's no big deal.  I do my job and stick to myself with my head phones in my ears.

Music has been inspiring me.  Neil gave me a beat to write to.  I did it and it's good, at least to me.  I'm working hard at finishing the last verse.  It's been hard cuz I've been running around every where lately.  Motivation is lacking I guess.

I'm in therapy.  Been doing that for about 5 months.  Working out well for me.  Finally figured out some medication that's keeping me stable.  It's for the best I keep my head straight with everything the Shack Rats have been dishing out to me.

That's the heart breaking part.  I had my shit together was living with Beth, Jason and Trevor.  Shit was well but Jason got his SSI and all the sudden I come home from Toledo and seeing Brandon and all my shit is out in the front yard.  Shit just got worse from there.  Beth started to spread around a nasty rumor and everyone shit just got to the point I had to go on with my life.  I'm not in between places of living.  I'm more at my mom's then anywhere.  They are still harassing me.  I can't go visit Timmy who lives down the street from my old place.  Kids, I swear!

Neil and I are suppose to be getting a place.  I'm working on keeping him on it.  But we will see what happens soon enough.  My uncle is moving out of my mom's and I'm welcome to stay there if need be.  I'm glad things are working out with my mom the way they are.  I needed to build some sort of relaitonship with her again.  It was about time to get my life back on track with my closest family.

Anyway, I am at work and do need to get some shit done.  I'm out of there at 3:30pm.  Then I have  no clue what I'll be doing.  I hope to be updating this more often.  We shall see tho!

<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: Work
Am I crying? curiouscurious
What's playing in my mind: Hed Nod
 
    Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
Almost feel safe...  
12:56pm 12/04/2007
 
 
_adderall_
I almost feel safe posting on here.  Seems no one gives a damn about LJ now that Myspace has consumed their lives.  Robz and I have split up.  I can't begin to explain why.  It's horrible in a sense but also a breath of fresh air b/c I'm not ready to be in a relationship!  I have the two jobs I'm working and tried picking a 3rd one up last nite.  That didn't fly with me.  So back to my life as a Village Idiot.  LoL!

Hung out with Tabby the other nite.  I <3 that girl.  She should be starting at the Village with the boys REALLY soon.  I'm excited about it.  But forewarned, any of the guys fuck with my baby girl I'ma have their balls for my new hacky sack.  I think I confuse her tho.  She's so open and friendly but I'm kinda drawn back.  Like we don't make out or touch on each other like we use to and I think it confuses her...

Hmmm...What else is there?!?!  Nothing really!  My life is to busy for new shit.  HaHa!  Been working out for like 2 hrs a day 5 days a week.  Been helping.  Down about 4lbs.  only about 46 more to go!  *does the happy dance*  I'm planning a vacation VERY soon.  It's a secret tho so HUSH!  HaHa!

Yep, I'm out!
Am I crying? happyhappy
 
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No One Reads...  
01:07pm 27/01/2007
 
 
_adderall_
As I figured, no one reads anymore.  I'm not to bothered by it.  Gives me a place to vent and no one will read what i have to say.  Basically I've been used.  My girl would hang around EVERYDAY, blow me up to chill.  She had this HUGE crush on one of my friends and now that she got his number 2 weeks ago, she doesn't come around anymore.  I'm trying hard not to be to hurt over it.  I just want to scream, to cry, to cut.  But I'm not going to.  I should have seen this coming a MILE away.  Who would want to hang around me anyway...

In other news, I finally got a job.  I'll be working at Greenfield Village as of Feb 22nd.  It sux I gotta wait that long to start.  But it's ok.  I'll have a job.  That's the only important thing to me honestly.  I'm going to save up to take my certification and then I'm going to have a bomb ass job.  Till then, I'm waiting.  I'll make my own life after that.  I won't live in the shadows of the past.  I need to spread my wings and escape from this rain storm.

Anyway...I'll be back someday soon.  

<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: Basement at home
Am I crying? aggravatedaggravated
What's playing in my mind: Daughtry: It's not over
 
    4 Whiped my Tears - Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
Well, here I am...  
08:44pm 14/01/2007
 
 
_adderall_
So here I am, still upset with life, still wanting more. I have no job, and no real sense of time at this moment. I finally have a few things I had lost along the way. I have a friend. One that is honest and truthful with me. I'm not being judged by what I say or do, for once!

Drama in chat is as always. Centered around a few people that are starting it all. I've been out and about in a REAL life yet they still bring down their lil game on me. I'm not caring so much anymore. I've seen thru it and realize that I have a real life with real people, they are what matter to me most.

Things with Big Bile are ok, I guess.  I enjoy hanging with him and the boys.  I enjoy getting the fuck out of this house.  I love the fact that he cares enough about me to get me a job.  I'm just waiting on the call I was promised.  I just can't stand the baby mama shit I have to deal with b/c I'm around him.  It comes with the territory I guess b/c jealousy is a bitch.  I will learn to live with it.  I won't let his friendship and love go just b/c some dumb bitch with 2 of his kids is jealous of me.  

Anyway.  I hope I can write more often.  I need to make a point of it.  I'm always gone at Big Bile's.  But I'm able to get on and do my thing there.  So I'll have to make that a point!

Fun times!  

<3 kimi
Am I crying? sicksick
 
    Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
So where did you go?  
07:15pm 30/11/2006
 
 
_adderall_
Well, I've been gone for 2 months from the look of it. I was sucked in to the evil world of Myspace! Ahhhh!!!!! No!

Anyway, me and Art are thru. I'm happy to be out of that relationship. It's only been a month but it's turned me around. I am happy to be without him. But I've fucked up already. I hurt Rob. The only man that I ever gave hope to. I was so deeply in love with him for 3 fucking years. But no, my dumbass has to be stubborn and let him go. Why? b/c as I said, I'm a dumb stubborn bitch!

So now I'm working my externship. I have about 2 weeks left. Pretty excited. Mrs. Weiss seems to love me and I'm pretty sure I'm getting hired. That is incredible. Can't wait to get paid. *grins* Right now I'm off for a week tho b/c their daughter is having a wedding this weekend and I won't have anyone to work for...

I've been driving the wagon again, for now. John got me a car but we have to work out some kinks in it first. I miss being able to go and do my thing but from the looks of it, I have to deal with that until I get paid. But after that, I'll be out with my girl Tabby every weekend, FOR DAMN SURE!

Tabby's my bestest bud right now, besides my girl Paula. I watch out for Paula b/c my asshole buddy fucked her over. Poor girls prego with stress beyond belief. I'm just going to keep an eye on her and be their for her while I can. She keeps talking about moving, which I pray she doesn't go...

Besides that, I've been hanging with Big Bile from the group SWILL. He's into me like crazy. I'm just letting things happen for now b/c I'm kinda distracted. But I think today is the first day in a week I haven't hung out with him and his crew. But tomorrow I'll be out with him again. That's fine by me. They love me and I'm enjoying meeting new people...

So for now, I'ma get outta here and finish this damn book.

<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: home
Am I crying? depresseddepressed
What's playing in my mind: dry kill logic-kingdom of the blind
 
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New pix of me...  
02:13pm 28/09/2006
 
 
_adderall_
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
 
    1 Whiped my Tears - Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
Depression  
03:17pm 21/09/2006
 
 
_adderall_
Wow! It sure has been a while since I last updated. I don't even remember the last day I did. I should go back and look but right now I think it would be better just to write. My mind is swarming with thoughts and depression.

I've been texting Art since like noon and he's only responded once to tell me he loves me and that he wants us to have a good weekend. I don't know where the hell he is but I'm trippin out. It's for more than one reason. Right now I'm depressed. Stuck in a rut for some reason. I need to channel my energy into happiness and maiking things ok for me. Plus Ronnie is coming down today. It's one of Art's ex's. I know he says he would get back with her but hell, I know she'd jump at the chance to be with him if he offered.

Besides my frustration of the daily events, things are ok. Last weekend we went to the club with my new friend Tabby. We've gone 3 times with her now. She even made a small attempt to kiss me when we dropped her off. Who knows where that will lead. I rather not get into to much detail b/c it's part of my depression...

My Mom's cat is in the hospital. She had something wrong with her intestines and had to have surgery. That is causing drama for my Mom. Not that the woman has anything going on in her life to begin with...

My brother has been in a piss ass mood as of late. He's been giving me attitude about everything and it's driving me insane. Right now I'm just about ready to jump out the window.

Only good thing in my life is my relationship and that's just something that leads to depression when I think to deeply into it. I mean school is going good but I'm about sick of it. It's only b/c I'm almost done, 5 weeks to go. I'm nervous about the next step is all...

Well, I better go...I'ma try to text Art again. If he doesn't respond, I might have to cry...

<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: School
Am I crying? depresseddepressed
What's playing in my mind: Giving In by Adema
 
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Neglecting you!  
03:48pm 21/08/2006
 
 
_adderall_
Well, the title says it all. Since I started back up on myspace I've been neglecting LJ and those who read me. Sorry Dani, since I know you're the only one. HaHa!

Anyway, school is going good. I'm about to get my 3rd Dean's List which means I'll have a President's Award coming. WooHoo! Go me! LoL! Nothing to exciting.

So this weekend was ok. I introduced Art to my girl Christina. She is getting ready to leave for SC at the end of the month or so and I wanted to hang out with her before she left. I'm sad I waiting so long to hang out with her. I haven't seen her in almost 2 yrs. She thought Art was awesome and a sweety. Damn did he pull one over on her. Just Kidding! He is a great guy most of the time.

Saturday we were suppose to go to see Sirkis but it was a 21 and up show at a bar. I've never been to a bar that was just 21 and up. Normally they allow 18 and up to be there as long as the 18yo don't try to drink. My girl Tabby is only 18yo. So we had to go chill at Melly's. We just hung out there and chilled for 2 hrs waiting for Art to get back. I had met her that very day in person. I've been talkin to her on myspace for like a week. Art seems to have a hot nut for her. Ha! I'm not threatened tho.

Well, this weekend we are suppose to hang with Christina again. We are going to City Club if all works out. I'm hoping it will. I haven't been in a while and we are trying to get Sirkis to go with us. He needs to get out and away for a lil. Don't know what will happen tho b/c Art and I were planning on crashing at her apt for the nite. The club don't close till like 4:30am and she's a good hour drive from the club. Let it all play out...

Anyway, I need to finish up what I don't have done...

love you all!

<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: School
Am I crying? amusedamused
What's playing in my mind: none
 
    3 Whiped my Tears - Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 
Congrats Kimi  
12:24am 14/08/2006
 
 
_adderall_
So as soon as I can afford two stamps I will be sending my conformation back in to have them published. I guess I'm getting better and better. I've never had two published in the same book. Anyway! Let me post them...



Your Tears

Cry me your story,
tell me a lie,
each salty tear,
a new desperate line.

Filthy river of rain,
poured down in tears,
each little secret,
is filled with nasty fears.

Nightmares of drowing,
being lost at sea,
dying for the knowledge,
of your every last dream.

A story waiting to be told,
whispered in my ear,
a lonely cruise,
surrounded by your tears.



Darkness Come

Please, darkness come carry me away,
for a crimson night I do await.

The daylight has brought me a horrific scene,
at least at night a soul can dream.

Set me free and let me fly,
out of sight into the crimson sky.

I'll spread my wings and find my place,
away from these nightmares I can escape.

Escape I will from the light of day,
but left alone I do stay.

Please darkness come carry me away,
for a crimson night I do await.



Thanx for anyone that might read this. I'm just desperate for some kind of insight on my poetry. Be honest!



<3 kimi
Where I'm hiding: basement...
Am I crying? missing Artmissing Art
What's playing in my mind: humming of the old ass puter
 
    2 Whiped my Tears - Fallen Tears - Share - Link
 


 
 
 
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